I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
