It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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