theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
