I think my vagina is haunted
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
