The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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