At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
