go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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