You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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