I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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