Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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