This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
