Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
