If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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