I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
