We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
