Don't make out with my wife yet
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
