I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
