what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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