Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
