mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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