Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
