I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
