dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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