Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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