Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
