i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
