I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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