He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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