just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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