I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
