you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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