The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
