I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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