my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
