Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
