I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is Oprah even human
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
