I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
