I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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