saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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