They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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