New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
