how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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