I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
