So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
