i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
