Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
