i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
