she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
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I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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