where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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