I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
