I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
