How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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