I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
