I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
