so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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