Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
